Nurturing my Christmas Spirit Spread

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At this time of year when so much of the meaning of Christmas is buried under conspicuous consumption, special sales, buying, having, wanting, it’s very easy to lose sight of what Christmas should be about.  Considering what the news has been filled with recently, it is especially easy at this time to lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas.  Maybe I’ve watched too many versions of A Christmas Carol, but I really feel the need to rediscover my Christmas spirit.  So I created this spread.

  1. What is the true meaning of Christmas?  Resurrection
  2. What past experiences have shaped my understanding of Christmas?  Mistress of Sticks
  3. How can I rediscover my own Christmas spirit?  9 of Sticks
  4. How can I best help others in need at this time of year?  5 of Skulls Rx
  5. What will help me keep my Christmas spirit alive throughout the year?  8 of Pentacles
Crooked Way Tarot

Resurrection reminds me that the true meaning of Christmas is to come out of our self-imposed isolation, our withdrawal from humanity, and walk among others celebrating life.  As long as we live there is an opportunity for change.  It offers us the ability to transform our lives and feel fulfilled and happy.  I find it interesting how perfectly this card suits the message of A Christmas Carol.  For most of the movie, Scrooge is trapped in a dark night of the soul of his own making.  He imprisoned himself in the isolating darkness and couldn’t find his way out again.  Resurrection reminds us that Scrooge was able to redeem himself at the end of the story because he committed himself to changing.  He learned from his journey through his own darkness and decided to celebrate the light.

Seeing the Queen of Wands appear in answer to “What past experiences have shaped my understanding of Christmas?”, threw me.  In part this is because I so identify with the Queen of Wands.  However, when I looked at the flames burning behind Aunt Moribund, it reminded me how many Christmases in my family went up in flames because of family dysfunction and arguments.  This definitely tainted my view of Christmas.  As I often explain to people, I like the holiday but have little patience for the trappings that go along with it.  I prefer to focus on spending time with family and loved ones, not trying to determine what gift I can give that will probably be forgotten or discarded shortly after.  Ironically, despite the fact that I do not identify as Christian, I can appreciate the sentiment “let’s put Christ back in Christmas”.  I think the Christmases I experienced as a child created someone who is very passionate about avoiding exactly those types of situations in my life now.

I can rediscover my own Christmas spirit by exploring past holiday traditions.  I don’t think it needs to be a burdensome thing where they have to be followed exactly.  Instead I think great aunt Lillian on the 9 of Sticks, is showing that I can be inspired by traditions of the past or of my ancestors.  It’s not about replicating the acts that have gone before as much as using them as a starting point to create new traditions of my own that are informed by exploring the past. 

The 5 of Skulls Rx in answer to “how can I best help others in need at this time of year?”, also seems to tie into the message of A Christmas Carol.  Instead of focusing on what has been lost, the ghosts of Christmases past that can no longer be changed, I should look within myself and see how I can use my experiences to help others.  Instead of focusing on my losses, I can remember what I still have and the joy I experienced when those loved ones were still part of my life.  I can try to find a way to share that Joy with others who may not have the resources that I do and help them have a happy holiday.

Uncle Rotwang, on the 8 of Pentacles, reminds me that we reap what we sow.  The lessons we learn are the ones we put the most effort into.  If I would rather feed my cynicism and my judgmental side then I will find Christmas to be a burden and something I prefer to avoid.  If, instead of creating that kind of monster, I choose to be open to the joy, wonder and generosity that can erupt at this time of year, allowing it to permeate my life everyday, I may discover that I’m able to celebrate and express these feelings throughout the year and will be able to share that with others.

Joanna Powell Colbert’s Winter Solstice Spread

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Joanna Powell Colbert was kind enough to share this spread in her most recent newsletter. I thought it was interesting, so decided to use it for my solstice reading.

  1. The gift of the nurturing darkness is … Page of Pins
  2. The promise of the returning sun is … Ace of Pentacles Rx
  3. I find potential or hope for my personal life through … 5 of Pins
  4. One action I can take to offer hope and renewal to the larger community is … 9 of Pins Rx
  5. Today, my Holy Helpers most want me to know … Knight of Pentacles
Crooked Way Tarot

The first thing that struck me about this reading is that all the cards I drew are either Pins (Swords) or Pentacles. This tells me that much of what I need to work with, and on, are my beliefs, attitudes and perspectives. Physical realities and material concerns, or perhaps health issues, will also need further consideration and exploration.

The Page of Pins reveals the gift of the nurturing darkness is an opportunity to explore ideas from a fresh new perspective and consider how my mindset and beliefs can change and grow to help me become more whole. Every new day and every new year is an opportunity to change what has come before. I think the Page of Pins in this position reminds me that I have an opportunity to manifest this in my life right now.

The Ace of Pentacles Rx as the promise of the returning sun tells me that much of what is still in seed form, and awaiting the opportunity to sprout, may manifest and come to fruition this year. It’s a reminder that these things do not happen on their own and need to be nurtured and tended in order to reach their full potential. I also need to consider what seeds I have planted in order to understand what harvest I will reap.

How interesting that the 5 of Pins appeared in response to how I find potential or hope for my personal life, especially considering the image on this card. The message I get from it is that any intellectual struggles or internal battles are illusory. I’m really fighting myself. This gives me hope, because it means that transformation is within my control. Instead of stabbing myself with my sword, I have the opportunity to remove it and use it, instead, to see things more clearly or in a more healthy perspective. Sister Agnes serves to remind me that being haunted by past beliefs or perspectives creates a self-inflicted wound. The only way forward is to pull out the sword and let it heal.

Ahh, dear Cousin Angst. She reminds me that the best way that I can offer hope and renewal to the larger community is by freeing myself from the mental restrictions and traps with which I have encased myself. Considering the current situation going on in America, in which we all wrap ourselves in our beliefs and view those who don’t share them as somehow irrational or crazy, we’ve boxed ourselves into corners. Instead of trying to consider things from each other’s perspectives, we double down and insist our way is the right way. I think Cousin Angst reminds us that the only way out of this trap is to open our minds and allow ourselves to see things from different perspectives. In response to this question, she’s telling me that the best way to offer hope and renewal is to model this kind of behavior. So, I have to look within myself and be aware of when I’m imprisoning myself in self-righteous beliefs and attitudes. Changing my perspectives and being more open to listening to the perspectives of others will not only help me but may influence others to try the same thing.

My Holy Helpers want me to know that things will move forward, even if it’s slow. To me the Knight of Pentacles is symbolic on two levels. On one level, he is energy that is balanced by practicality and methodicalness. He will create change, but not before considering possible ramifications and consequences. I find him to be almost plodding, but also the most reliable and grounded of the Knights. He is the Knight most likely to carry out his promises. He is symbolic to me on another level because, for most of our relationship, I viewed my husband as the Knight of Pentacles. It might have taken him some time to get things started, because he wanted to, as he put it, “measure twice, cut once”; but once his mind was set on a certain outcome, he achieved it. I think this card appearing in this position is my Holy Helpers letting me know that my husband is still watching out for me. His presence will continue to be felt in my life and I find that very reassuring.

The upshot of this reading is to remind me that finding the gift of the darkness is completely up to me. It might require me to change some of my perspectives or practices so they better serve me. Whether I allow myself to be overwhelmed by the darkness or use it to explore uncharted areas of my psyche is a choice only I can make. It’s not something being imposed on me from external elements. It’s strictly driven by my internal thoughts and mindset. It can provide me with a path to deepen my healing and help me get closer to achieving a holistic balance.

Just feeling “Meh”

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4 of Wands, Queen of Swords Rx & 7 of Wands – Victorian Romantic Tarot

Lately I’ve been feeling rather low energy and uninspired, “meh”. I don’t feel sick, I don’t feel depressed, I just feel lethargic. I rather feel the way Milo did in The Phantom Tollbooth when he meets the Lethargiums. So, of course, I decided to use Tarot to explore what’s going on with me.

Using the Victorian Romantic Tarot, I drew the 4 of Wands in response to “Why am I feeling so “meh”? The 4 of Wands resonates with me on two different levels. On one level, I’m watching people gear up for the festive Christmas season and watching it as though it’s a circus. I’m not connecting with it and, quite frankly, completely disinterested. I also think this reflects how John’s death continues to impact me. It’s difficult to feel like part of the festivities because I don’t have John with me anymore.

The Queen of Swords Rx shows that the resource I have available is my own intellect and willingness to explore my internal mental landscape. I also think she shows that I am willing to be open to new ideas if they will ultimately help me move forward and process things in a way that will help me heal. If I have learned nothing else since losing John, it’s that I’m capable and willing to dig through my subconscious and my past in order to heal and move forward.

The fierce figure on the 7 of Wands show me that the only way to change this situation is to fight. I have to use my energy and creative spark to fight back the doldrums. I also have to understand that it’s a constant battle not a One-Shot deal; and even if I do slip into the doldrums occasionally that doesn’t mean it needs to be a permanent state.

Empowering Questions Spread

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I found this spread in Sheilaa Hite’s book and decided to do a modified reading using a few of the positions.

  • What would I do if I knew I could not fail?  King of Swords
  • What can I learn from this experience?  The World Rx
  • What is the most empowering thing I can do now?  The Moon Rx
Victorian Romantic Tarot

I see the King of Swords as a thinker, a philosopher, a diplomat, perhaps even a teacher.  He is someone who is able to prevent his emotions from swaying his responses; very Mr Spock sort of person.  I think it’s important to remember that the King of Swords has emotions, but he does not allow them to dominate his behaviors and actions.  I think this code is showing me that if I knew I couldn’t fail I might pursue a path as a teacher.  I’ve often heard it suggested that I might make a good teacher.  However, it’s not something I’ve ever considered because I just didn’t think I would be able to do it well. 

I think exploring this question taught me that the only thing stopping me from achieving The World, or embracing all of the possibilities that exist for me, is me.  My self-doubts, fears and lack of self-confidence have created more limitations in my life than any external factors.  The World Rx shows me that if I want my basket to be filled with joy, happiness, a sense of achievement and fulfillment, then I need to stop turning it upside down and emptying it out.

The Moon Rx shows that the most empowering thing I can do right now is listen to my dreams and explore what they’re telling me.  At the same time, I need to be cautious of not allowing myself to be led astray by illusions or delusions.  It’s interesting because I rarely remember my dreams, but when I do they tend to be out of the ordinary. They seem to have some message beyond just a Freudian rehashing of the day. So I think The Moon Rx is showing that when I have these kinds of dreams, I should explore them further, perhaps using the Tarot.

World Pain

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Yesterday I read a journal post by someone who asked three questions that really resonated with me.  So, I did this reading for further clarification.

Why is the world in so much pain?  King of Pentacles Rx
Why is peace nowhere in sight?  Knight of Pentacles Rx
Why does this keep happening?  The Empress Rx

King of Pentacles Rx, Knight of Pentacles Rx & The Empress Rx – Victorian Romantic Tarot

The King of Pentacles Rx suggests that the world is in pain because our priorities are skewed.  Instead of the “haves” aiding the “have nots”, the wealthy elites prey on the working poor.  Industrialized, wealthy nations strip poorer nations of their natural resources.  Instead of trying to lift everyone with a rising tide, the focus is on pushing others off the boat so the wealthy can have more.  Too many people buy into the myth that allowing the rich to maintain their wealth will trickle down and benefit the rest of us.  Instead, what we get is a bunch of Daffy Ducks clinging to their money claiming “Mine, mine,mine.  Go, go, go.  I’m rich.  I’m a happy miser”.

The Knight of Pentacles shows that peace is nowhere in sight because we’re not really looking for it.   This reinforces the message of the King of Pentacles Rx;  instead of protecting the people, the system caters to the needs of the wealthy, appeasing and prioritizing policies to keep wealth and power concentrated in their hands.  Ultimately, allowing them to take advantage of the disadvantaged.  Just as knights of old served the needs of their Lords, not knightly ideals, the justice system and politicians serve the needs of the elites not the needs of their constituents.

The Empress Rx shows that this keeps happening because, instead of trying to help others create prosperity, we try to keep it to ourselves. We don’t nurture and support, although we do pay lip service to it. What I find fascinating is how those proclaiming themselves the most devoted of Christ’s followers completely miss the point of his message. Instead of trying to be inclusionary and offering to aid the least of their brethren, they support political dogma and policies that “other” anyone that they see is different. Instead of trying to make the entire world a better place they prefer to hoard so that theirs can be just a little bit better than anybody else’s. There’s a selfishness to humans that Christ’s teachings attempted to overcome. Now they’re being used as a way to justify bullying and taking advantage and feeling superior to those that need our help the most.

The truth of the matter is that being a decent human being takes a lot of work and many people don’t want to be bothered. Instead of thinking about the situation and making an informed decision, they prefer to follow simplistic, black and white dogma that lets them justify doing nothing. Maybe I’m feeling a little cynical right now, but current events will do that to you.

Dream Reading

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Last night I had an interesting dream.  In it there were several different scenarios where I was sitting with a group of people in an informal setting.  We were having a conversation about things, but I can’t remember anything specific.  I was seated so that my upper body was turned in facing the circle but my legs were on the other side so that I could have gotten up and left the group easily.  At some point, someone else comes and sits next to me blocking my access to the group and cutting me off from the conversation.  I have no idea who the person was but I remember that it happened a few times during the course of the dream.

Then the scene shifted and I was walking down a NYC street and decided to take a shortcut through a building into its backyard.  I walked through the front door of the building and out the back only to realize that there was construction going on and I couldn’t go forward.  I turned to go back into to the building but the back door had closed and locked.  One of the construction workers saw me trapped in the backyard and cursed because they would now have to find a way to get me out of there.  Then I woke up.

How do I cut myself off from others?  7 of Swords Rx
How do I trap myself in situations from which I can’t escape?  Queen of Wands Rx
How can I change these behaviors?  5 of Cups

7 of Swords Rx, Queen of Wands Rx, 5 of Cups – Victorian Romantic Tarot

I cut myself off by being too cautious and guarded. I keep my personal issues the way Daffy duck clings to his treasures. I prefer to slink off and lick my wounds and solitude rather than be vulnerable and let someone else help me.

I trap myself by being too arrogant and strong-willed; viewing the need for support and assistance as exposing my vulnerability and weakness. I swallowed the “rugged individualist” Kool-Aid. What I find interesting is that I don’t apply this to others, just myself. I have to believe that this is the lingering effect of my life experiences. Opening myself up to others has often led to betrayal and disappointment. Only my husband never let me down.

I can change this pattern by keeping these past experiences in mind but not prominent. I can be more emotionally open and realistic, understanding the past betrayal doesn’t always predict future pain. Being closed off has hurt me in different ways, so it might be a good idea to change that pattern.

Trust Spread

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Recently I have had a few experiences in my life that have caused me to reevaluate my relationships with people that I have questions about my ability to trust.  Basically, I have had people come back into my life who I feel betrayed me many years ago.  These were people I considered friends, trusted friends, and I’m feeling very unsettled about how to deal with this.  In the past there was no quarter given for this kind of betrayal.  Once I cut you out of my life, you remained cut out of my life.  Losing my husband has  forced me to reassess this black & white approach.  As I’m sure we all know, the universe has quite a sense of humor.  It does not surprise me that the timing of these people reentering my life aligns with me finally being open to even considering allowing them back in.

  • How can I be open to trusting someone I feel betrayed me in the past?  Knight of Pentacles Rx
  • What can be learned by opening myself up to trusting these people again?  Ace of Wands Rx
  • What do I need to be cautious about if I allow these people into my life again?  4 of Cups Rx
  • Hidden benefits or consequences?  (Drawn from the bottom of the deck)  3 of Wands
Knight of Pentacles Rx, Ace of Wands Rx, 4 of Cups Rx & 3 of Wands

The Knight of Pentacles Rx is a multi-layered answer to this question. On one level, looking at the image on this card it’s telling me not to lose my head about the situation; it’s showing me that I need to be a little cautious but not overly so. On another level, it’s telling me that I don’t need to respond to this circumstance the way my husband would have. For me, my husband represented the Knight of Pentacles for most of our relationship. He was very methodical in his approach to things and he tended to take his time to make sure that he did things correctly. It took a lot to get him truly angry but once he got there the anger endured. I respected that about him so, if he decided that someone was now persona non grata, I honored that. However, the truth is, that’s not my way. I tend to be much more like a thunderstorm – I can get very angry in the moment, but it takes a lot for me to hold on to it for any great length of time. I think this Knight of Pentacles Rx is pointing out that just because in the past I would have never allowed someone I felt betrayed me back into my life, that doesn’t mean I have to continue along that path.

The Ace of Wands Rx shows that I’m wasting quite a lot of energy trying to remain this closed off. I think allowing a wider variety of people into my life, even if it’s not what I would have done before, will help reignite my passion and generate more energy for exploring new things. Trying to keep myself closed off is resulting in a deliberate smothering of my creativity and enthusiasm. I can’t see this proving to be a benefit long-term.

The 4 of Cups Rx suggests that I need to be cautious about being overly enthusiastic about welcoming these people back into my life. I think I still need to maintain a certain wariness without completely rejecting overtures to re-establish a relationship. Reality is that in some way, shape, or form, these people have done something that hurt me or left me feeling betrayed. At the same time they are no longer in a position to betray me in quite the same way anymore. So I think welcoming the overtures is a good idea while still maintaining a certain level of cautiousness.

The 3 of Wands suggests that welcoming these people back into my life will help ignite creative projects or reignite enthusiasm for things I’ve put on a back burner. Things that have fallen into ruin in my life may now be restored and rebuilt because I will now have access to new avenues and resources thanks to allowing these people back into my life. So, I think, ultimately, it will be beneficial as long as I am a little wary and cautious about fully embracing them right away.

Because I’m Happy

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I was sitting in my house the other day just feeling content, satisfied, surrounded by my books. It actually took me a few minutes to realize, because I wasn’t looking for it, but ultimately it struck me that I was feeling happy; just quietly, joyfully happy. I wasn’t happy because of any major activity I had planned or because anything special had happened, I was just happy about where I was in my life. That made me wonder how many other moments of happiness I’ve missed because I didn’t know how to recognize it. M so I came up with this spread as a way to try to develop a plan.

  • How can I better recognize the happy moments in my life? Death Rx
  • How can I stop undermining my happy moments? 5 of Pentacles Rx
  • How can I more fully embrace & increase those happy moments? 8 of Cups
Death Rx, 5 of Pentacles Rx & 8 of Cups – Bohemian Gothic Tarot

Death Rx holds a two-fold meaning for me in this position. One is the fairly obvious fact that I need to recognize that my hubby’s death has not resulted in the death of joy in my life. It can be too easy to fall into the mindset of “how can I be happy without him here”. However, what I am realizing is that joy and happiness haven’t departed, but they may have changed shape a bit. Death Rx also reminds me that I have experienced a huge transition in my life. A transition that will force me to see things through a different lens and to have a different perspective going forward. Things that made me happy when I was part of a team may not bring me the same amount of joy now that I have no one to share it with. At the same time there may be things that I willingly compromised on because I knew that my husband did not enjoy them. Now that I’m on my own I can revisit and re-explore those interests and see if they still bring me joy. The way I can recognize the happy moments in my life now is by not comparing them to what they looked like to me before.

The 5 of Pentacles Rx reminds me that my happiness impacts no one but me. I don’t have to worry about how my choices impact anyone else. I don’t necessarily think this means I can be as selfish and self-centered as I want but it’s a reminder that I have no dependence I have no one in my life who will be directly impacted by these choices. That takes a lot of the pressure off it and frees me to just enjoy, instead of worrying.

The 8 of Cups shows that I need to be willing to leave behind what no longer brings me joy. One of the things I’m realizing as I am unpacking boxes at my house is that I have a lot of stuff that I can and should release. They are things that brought enjoyment to The me that I used to be. I’m not that person anymore, and I have to seriously consider whether these things will continue to bring me joy. Or should I let them go and hope that they find someone else who will enjoy them. I don’t think this is something I have to rush through but I’m looking forward to it. I’m realizing lately that owning so much stuff is starting to weigh me down and I need to lighten that load.

I realize ultimately being happy is a state of mind, obviously, and something that it is within my ability to control. My happiness is not the result of some purchase I have made or some book I have acquired, although they can certainly bring a little bit of joy. My happiness is the result of embracing quiet, little moments and just focusing on being fully present in my life.

New Moon in Libra Spread Using Bohemian Gothic Tarot

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https://labyrinthos.co/blogs/learn-tarot-with-labyrinthos-academy/a-new-moon-in-libra-tarot-spread
  1. Where am I most fearful of conflict? – What part of my life am I acting out of avoidance? Knight of Cups Rx
  2. How does my fear of conflict affect my life? – How does my choice to avoid conflict affect my situation? What does it do to me? Queen of Cups Rx
  3. What am I afraid of confronting? – What is it that I am most terrified of confronting during conflicts? What am I most afraid of? 2 of Swords
  4. What is the worst that can happen? – What can happen? How can I prepare for it? Is it really as bad as I think it could be? King of Cups
  5. What can guide me to overcome this? – What can help me avoid and overcome my fear? Strength
Bohemian Gothic Tarot

The Knight of Cups Rx suggests that I’m avoiding searching the dark corners of my own heart; those places where I hide the truth I don’t want to face. However, I don’t think this, in any way, is about my shadow side, because that is actually something I’m fairly comfortable working with. I think this is about the places where I hide my inner hopes and dreams; the areas I’m afraid to even attempt to manifest because to fail would break my heart. As many of us do I have buried certain dreams in my subconscious as I grew older. Either because of obligations, or reality, or self-doubts, I buried them and stayed away from that corner of untapped possibilities. I avoid this region of my heart to prevent myself from feeling the pain and melancholy it causes.

The Queen of Cups Rx tells me that this fear of facing that part of myself has led to me not being able to fully nurture and embrace my more emotional intuitive nature. I certainly stated to friends and I’m sure I’ve posted here that my least favorite suit of Tarot is Cups. One of my favorite expressions is I will take Swords over Cups any day. Why? This reading is forcing me to face the fact that I do this as a form of protection. When I have to face the emotional pain that some of my choices have caused I don’t know how to deal with it, so I avoid. Since my husband’s death, I have been coaxed, coerced, and guided, thanks to Tarot, into exploring and embracing this side of myself more deeply. Of course this is still in its formative stage, and I have to be dragged towards it kicking and screaming.

The 2 of Swords points out but what I’m afraid of confronting is reality. I have managed to protect my heart and avoided seeing the damage that has caused, the havoc it has wreaked. It looks like my ability to continue successfully in this endeavor is no longer in my best interest. I packed myself into a corner and the only way out is taking off the blinders and seeing what’s really going on around me; facing the areas of my life I’ve been avoiding.

The worst that can happen is I’ll become the King of Cups in my own life. I will be more compassionate with myself, and others. I will be more sympathetic, more open to possibilities, more gentle kind and loving, to myself and others. I will be able to embrace and manifest my dreams without fear of being overwhelmed by them. I will be able to embrace, and nurture, and celebrate not just my hopes and dreams, but the world’s

Strength suggests that what will help me overcome these fears is Herman, my pet lion. Just kidding. Strength is reminding me that I have the inner fortitude and strength of will to manifest what I want in my life; to achieve the goals I set my mind to achieving. In fact that is also something that I am off and afraid to confront. I am powerful, and I very often succeed once I set my mind to manifesting a goal. Embracing our own inner power can be a terrifying reality to face. This is something I have been tap dancing around for many years. Strength is showing me that it’s time to accept and work with this ability.

Shine on You Crazy Diamond Spread with Alexandra Genetti’s Jumbledance Tarot

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Once again, the inspiration for this spread came from watching episodes of Professor of Rock focusing on Pink Floyd and the various challenges that face the group over its history. It reminded me how much I like this song and I decided to create a spread based on the lyrics.

6 of Wands Rx, 7 of Disks Rx & Man of Swords Rx from Jumbledance Tarot

The 6 of Wands Rx reminds me that I Shone like the sun when I was young because I believed in myself. I had confidence, one might even say arrogance, in my skills and abilities and often was quite successful as a result. At the center of this card is even a big diamond pendant to reinforce how I shone.

The crossfire that blew me on the steel breeze was the day-to-day responsibilities that stole my energy, that I allowed to steal my energy. The 7 of Disks Rx suggest that my ability to shine was buried under the detritus of obligation and everyday minutiae. The focus of taking care of family members, while something I feel I needed to do, has also stolen much of my Creative energy and my ability to shine.

I think the Man of Swords Rx shows that I need to stop comparing “my shine” against typical patriarchal measures of success. I love that in the little book that accompanies this Alexandra Genetti says “This is the card of mansplaining. Get over it”. I think one of the challenges I still experience in my life, is seeking validation and recognition from within myself rather than external sources. In many ways, my shine when I was younger was based on a very masculine definition of success and achievement. It was based on reviews, and grades, and what other people stated about my accomplishments. Good grades and excellent reviews bolstered my self confidence. Since 2009 I have not had access to these sources of positive reinforcement. I’ve needed to rely on my own internal measures of success and achievement, which is very difficult when one is engaged in stereotypical female pursuits of caregiving.